Life of Smiley

With an array of pitches as sublime and mesmerizing as haiku, $100 million import Daisuke Matsuzaka could tip the American League balance of power to the Red Sox -- and explode the old myths about pampering pitchers Over his eight seasons with Seibu, Matsuzaka compiled a 108-60 record with a 2.95 ERA while averaging a complete game every 2.8 starts . (The major league average in 2006 was a complete game every 33.8 starts.) His 13 complete games last year were more than the staffs of all but one major league team had. This guy's a bona fide superhero. Either that or Major League pitchers are even bigger pussies than I thought. If Dice-K comes anywhere near that level of productivity in the States (and if the Sox let him) he'll be worth every penny of that $103 million.

Red Sox will send Papelbon back to bullpen Papelbon is coming off a sensational rookie season in which he had 35 saves and an 0.92 ERA. The 26-year-old right-hander was slated to be part of a strong starting rotation, but the Red Sox need a reliable closer because the 41-year-old Timlin has a strained side muscle and isn't going to be ready to start the season. Couldn't that last sentence be rewritten as, "the Red Sox need a reliable closer because the 41-year-old Timlin is their closer?"

Manny Ramirez: JENN-AIR Grill Hi, I`m Manny Ramirez. I bought this AMAZING grill for about $4,000 and I used it once... But I never have the time to use it because I am always on the road. I would love to sell it and you will get an autographed ball signed by me =] Enjoy it, Manny Ramirez.

Pete Bo Sizelove, 30, of Sacramento was arrested Saturday at Roseville Lincoln Mercury after he tried to break into the car he wanted to buy with a crowbar and then climbed aboard its roof with a Samurai sword and a sledge hammer.

Apparently you can get a free flight voucher by peeing in an air-sickness bag.

This story makes Baltimore sound like a really fun place.

Tatyana McFadden has always battled the odds. Born in St. Petersburg, Russia, with spina bifida, which left her paralyzed from the waist down, she was abandoned by her birth mother. Tatyana arrived at her first high school road meet last spring as a curiosity: the racer in the wheelchair. But by the time she reached the finish line in the 400 meters -- first -- fans saw her as a legitimate athlete and responded with cheers. McFadden and her mother, Deborah, have been fighting for nearly a year to compete against students without disabilities. The objection: officials say her racing chair creates a safety hazard and gives her an unfair advantage. (The best wheelchair racers tend to be faster than able-bodied runners in longer races; McFadden usually finishes at or near the top in everything except sprints.) Tatyana's story , while tragic, in no way entitles her to bring a wheelchair to a footrace. You might think I enjoy picking on handicapped athletes , but it seems like everyone ...

In December Mickey DeLorenzo, a computer programmer in Philadelphia, hypothesized that he could lose weight by playing the Wii for 30 minutes a day. He lost nine pounds in six weeks and is on his way to becoming the next Jared of Subway fame. In January DeLorenzo signed a book deal, tentatively titled The Wii Workout and teamed up with Traineo.com, a social networking site for dieters and fitness buffs, to feature his new regime. "It's becoming something like a Richard Simmons show," says DeLorenzo, who's received dozens of fan emails. "People will write, 'You've inspired me to buy a Wii and start working out.'" I can't decide what makes me feel dumber: that I just wasted my time reading this story , or that I'm not cashing in on this ridiculous trend. Hey! Media! I just took a dump and lost two pounds in fifteen minutes! Write a book about me! What sport is this?

Why Smart Cops Do Dumb Things Or, Why We're All F'd Boston, Jan. 31: As part of a guerilla marketing campaign, a series of amateur-looking blinking signs depicting characters in Aqua Teen Hunger Force, a show on the Cartoon Network, were placed on bridges, near a medical center, underneath an interstate highway and in other crowded public places. Police mistook these signs for bombs and shut down parts of the city, eventually spending more than $1 million sorting it out. Authorities blasted the stunt as a terrorist hoax, while others ridiculed the Boston authorities for overreacting. Almost no one looked beyond the finger pointing and jeering to discuss exactly why the Boston authorities overreacted so badly. They overreacted because the signs were weird. If someone left a backpack full of explosives in a crowded movie theater, or detonated a truck bomb in the middle of a tunnel, no one would demand to know why the police hadn't noticed it beforehand. But if a weird device ...

Soldier admits murdering Iraqi detainees The soldiers first told investigators they shot the detainees because they were attempting to flee -- a story they now say they made up -- and that commanders had given them orders to kill all military-age males on the mission. See, this is why we're never going to "win" a war on terrorism. Because you just can't do stuff like this. And yet, if you're determined to fight a conventional war against an unconventional enemy, it's probably the only thing you can do. An Unpopular Opinion?

It's been just over seven years since Shawn Fanning introduced the world to the Napster file sharing protocol, signaling the beginning of the end for the music industry's traditional brick-and-mortar business model. Now, after 18,000 lawsuits (?!) and undisclosed millions paid to lawyers, the record labels may finally be coming around to the realization that they have only two choices: join us or die. Ironically, this may also cause heartburn for the company that has been most successful in pioneering on-line music sales. Remember, the fundamental enabling technology for digital music sharing was not P2P networking, but MP3 encoding, which enables the compression of music files to about one tenth of their original size with no appreciable loss in sound quality. Apple's iTunes currently uses a proprietary AAC encoding format with built-in digital rights management (don't get me started ). For the record, I love iTunes and I buy music on a regular basis. As I type thi...

Hunt for planet same as ours Search is vital, says Hawking Today: “Is it entirely fanciful that human beings might find another home out there somewhere and, if so, should we be planning for it?” Prof Hawking: “The long-term survival of the human race is at risk as long as it is confined to a single planet. “Sooner or later disasters such as an asteroid collision or nuclear war could wipe us all all out. “But once we spread out into space and establish independent colonies our future should be safe." Good idea, Dr. H. Too bad Project Genesis won't be complete for another 280 years or so....

I've had it with people trying to assume the moral high ground by saying they approve of executions, but only if you're polite about it . As I've said before , I am philosophically opposed to state-sanctioned execution, even for a-holes like Saddam. But I'll tell you what: if I ever wind up being hanged, feel free to insult me first. Names will never hurt me, but that broken neck hurts like a bitch.

Lawmakers Keep Gay-Marriage Ban Proposal Alive I am totally in favor of gay marriage, or marriage equality. It just seems like a no-brainer to me, as I'm sure it does to most people who have grown up in today's climate of understanding and acceptance. I'm embarrassed and a little sad for anyone who is fighting to prevent this. But I have to pause at statements like this one: "The rights of minority groups should never be voted on by a majority of people. It's just not equality," said Ryan Brown, who supports gay marriage. Uh, Ryan? It may or may not be equality, but it is democracy. There is a vocal minority of Americans who would prefer unrestricted access to firearms. Is that a good idea? The good of the many outweighs the good of the few. Hopefully in time the majority can be persuaded that marriage equality is good for everyone.

Receptionist: How do you write women so well? Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability. - As Good as It Gets I love that line. Is it sexist and derogatory? Of course. Is it a sweeping generalization? Absolutely. Is it true? The prosecutor in the Duke rape case, District Attorney Mike Nifong, is currently under fire for making inappropriate public statements regarding the case. "Probably an exotic dancer would not be your first choice for unprotected sex." "The guilty will stand trial." More Quotes from N.C. State Bar complaint against Nifong Prosecutorial Indescretion Of all the strange, shoot-self-in-foot statements from Durham, N.C., District Attorney Mike Nifong in the last few days--and there are so many--one stands out. In explaining why he is continuing to prosecute three former Duke lacrosse players on kidnapping and sexual offense charges--despite dropping rape charges--Nifong told the New York Times, "If she say...

And you thought Texas was eager to execute people . Saddam Hussein Set to Die by Sunday WASHINGTON, DC -- U.S. Military and U.S. Intelligence leaders have told NBC News former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein could be executed by Sunday. NBC News reports the U.S. Military has received a formal request to transfer Saddam to Iraqi authorities. It's one of the last steps required before Saddam's execution by hanging. U.S. Intelligence leaders tell NBC News the execution is expected to occur by Sunday, possibly as early as Friday. Saddam received the death sentence for the murders of 148 Shiites in the northern city of Dujail.

Trump Tells Miss USA “You’re not fired.” Miss USA, Tara Conner, will keep her crown and title. Conner has come under fire in recent weeks for allegedly partying, underage drinking, failing a drug test and making out with her roommate, Miss Teen USA. Who's complaining? --- UPDATE --- Miss Nevada USA loses shirt then title Miss Nevada USA was stripped of her title Thursday after racy photos of her appeared on the Internet, pageant officials said. Some of the photos show Katie Rees, 22, kissing other young women, exposing one of her breasts and pulling down her pants to show her thong underwear at a party in Tampa, Fla.

Romney's '94 remarks on same-sex marriage could haunt him "People of integrity don't force their beliefs on others, they make sure that others can live by different beliefs they may have," Romney is quoted as saying. Jesus, Mary and Joseph! I can see why the Republicans are having second thoughts about this maniac.

'Raymond' dad Peter Boyle dies in NYC "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose" is one of my favorite X-Files. I hadn't realized he won an Emmy for that episode. Another great character actor passes on.

Police Collect Bullet-Proof Vests For Soldiers The local news is reporting this as a feel-good story about cops pitching in to support our troops. But you know what? This isn't a feel-good story, it's a goddamn embarrassment. We call ourselves the world's only superpower. We've allocated well over $300 billion to the war in Iraq. And we rely on donated vests to protect our soldiers?! This is what I've been talking about . Supporting our troops doesn't necessarily mean supporting our government. In this case, it's the exact opposite.